Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders expresses disdain over lack of big money donations.

“It’s pretty unfair that the rest of these guys get both funding and a script,” said Sanders, admitting that he’s “responsible for researching most of [his] own decisions.”

He explained that he would consider taking the easy way out but added that “no one offered.”

In an interview with the New York Times looking back at the successes of current POTUS Barrack Obama’s grassroots campaign, Sanders regretfully mumbled that he’ll have to “pull that same shit” if he wants to have a shot at the presidency.

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Sanders says “Anyone with a wallet hates my policies” before announcing his focus on poor students and poor people in general. “Understandably, the most difficult hurdle with this demographic is convincing their wealthier bosses to allow them a break or the day off on November 8th, national election day.”

Another setback stems from Sanders himself. He’s slated as “too typical looking for minorities.” Rosa Dominguez, a local Hispanic, claims “I would vote for the guy but he’s just too white. I mean I’m not racist but it would be easier to take his side if he could dig up even 1/32nd Latin heritage.”

The 73 year old white haired, white skinned senator has the ideal look for a Republican nominee; however, “they still hate me” claims Sanders.

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His apparently controversial policies including free college tuition at public colleges and universities, a working healthcare system, and removal of the Orwellian systems allowed by the USA Patriot Act have received considerable backlash from his opponents who ask “why can’t we just keep things the way they are?”


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